Day 3 Post Honeymoon or Day 11 as a Mrs.

So I guess this blog didn't work out as I had originally intended. Ah well. Nor did the last. Does anyone else do this? Start projects with the best intentions, then just let if fall by the wayside after a while? Actually I feel quite certain that everyone does this, in their own little way.

Anyway, I'm home, I'm a wife, I'm unemployed, and I'm a little lonely. There's a lot to do, don't get me wrong- there is ALWAYS a lot to do, especially when you're me- I can't sit still, that's a problem I have. But it's all errand-y type junk, all extremely isolated. I am now truly a desperate housewife without the dramatic neighbors. I mean literally- we moved into what might be the only residential house on the very main road we live on. There's no one around us except the cute family that lives downstairs. And so far they seem pretty drama-free. Plus, who is a housewife at 27 with no kids anymore? No one here in NY. Maybe in rural America or something when that's still the way the world works, but not in NY. And there is no way in HELL I would choose to just be home right now. Oh god, no. But the economy is really messing with me and I am STUCK STUCK STUCK. So I have to basically suck it up and deal with it and figure out how to make a life with what I do have. So.

Day 3, home from honeymoon. I would have started writing on Day 1 but I spent that day unpacking all our stuff and getting the house back in functioning mode. Then I spent Day 2 questioning my recent decision to quit school (and I also did 4 loads of laundry. That's right- 4. I really need to wash everything after a vacation. No bed bugs, thank you very much).

Oh right, yeah I quit school. Late in the summer I made the somewhat impulsive decision to start taking prerequisites so that I could get into an accelerated nursing program so that I could one day be a nurse educator. I have a Master's degree in Health Education but as I mentioned before, I am super stuck. I had one job after finishing my graduate degree working at a medical school on a grant funded project, but it was not so much a "real" job and grant funds always run out. Plus it wasn't really taking me anywhere AND I was exceptionally unhappy there. So. I left the grant project (that was ending anyway) and attempted a job hunt while tutoring and planning the wedding. I am a private tutor. It actually takes up quite a bit of time, especially when you tutor for multiple families several times a week that live far away). As I searched for jobs it became apparent to me that nurses were in high demand on Long Island. It also became apparent to me that I wouldn't be able to work as a health educator any time soon in NY without a clinical degree (i.e. an RN). So. I went to enroll in classes, they were all closed. The day before we went on vacation, I get a phone call from the school. 2 classes opened up. Did I want in? Had to decide right then and there, or they would give the spots to another student. I took it as a sign and ran to the school to sign the papers and pay the bill. I figured I could always drop them after we came home from vacation if it didn't feel right. I spoke with several people I know who are nurses. They all said it was very hard, doctors disrespect you, liabilities are high, it's a gross job, but if it was a means to an ends, it was a good plan. A couple of people were very enthusiastic about the choice. A couple of people were wary. I am stubborn, so when I am faced with doubt, I almost always charge on without thinking too much. So I kept going to class. It was really tough. Very different than anything I've ever done- back to community college during the day with a bunch of 18 year olds who did not want to be there. Snarky, strict professors who treat classes like high school... difficult work- memorizing what epithelial tissues look like on slides is not my forte. Anyway, I had 2 exams the day before my wedding and I worked REALLY hard to study for them. They went ok, but I was really miserable. I was short with my fiancee, sister, mother, and basically everyone. I wasn't able to keep any kind of balance. And I was generally upset and resentful. While I studied, I just kept asking myself, "why am I doing this?" I know I don't want to be a nurse. Dealing with people's fluids really does gross me out. And listening to people be upset all day without really being able to do anything about it is daunting and upsetting. I don't want to work nights at any point in my life, nor do I want to work weekends and not be able to spend time with Bryan. I don't want to miss important events that inevitably take place on weekends, and I don't want to have to get another master's degree just to do what I set out to do in the first place (which, a few people told me could happen- that I might eventually need a masters in NURSING Education, not just Health Education). And I especially don't want to get stuck being a floor nurse for several years before I can be promoted to being a Nurse Educator." BUT! (Other little guy sitting on my shoulder says: "there are no jobs here for someone with your credentials. Also, don't you want to have a great life with Bryan and have all the nice things and financial stability you've never had? Nurses can bank! You can get through the icky stuff, and after school and a year or 2 or being a floor nurse move on to less icky stuff and be a paperworky, helping, educator-y nurse and FINALLY be able to help people deal with their diseases and lifestyle changes!")

Well. It takes more than that to get through just the prerequisites. Or at least in my case it does. This past month was really horrible. The only thing not horrible was that 1) I had someplace important to be and 2) I made a couple of friends at school and 3) I seemingly had direction again.

The only problem is, I had direction, but not direction towards something I really and truly wanted. Or there were so many doubts that it clouded my efforts and made the process even more difficult that it had to be. And the road to what I THINK I really want is very, very, very long. Years of doing stuff I hate so that I can get to a place doing something I THINK I want? Studies show that we are absolutely terrible at anticipating what will make us happy. So people are always going, "if I lose 10 lbs I'll be happy. If I find a great boyfriend I'll be happy. If I become a teacher I'll be happy." But it's almost never the case. We can't predict what will make us happy! So on our honeymoon I was STRESSING because I had a big exam the day we got back. And a lab due. And like 5 chapters of reading and another small assignment. And so I'm in tears on my HONEYMOON about it all, asking myself, "what am I DOING?!?! I DON'T EVEN WANT TO BE A NURSE!" when I realized that maybe I rushed it. Maybe I didn't really give the decision the time it needed to breathe. Maybe I just needed to a have a purpose and that seemed like the most obvious, "easiest" choice. But you can't just choose something that hard for the sake of having something to do. It won't work. Or, it won't work for me at this point. Maybe it would have worked when I was 18 and had no idea about anything, but I already have a Masters and I am ANGRY. Maybe when I stop being so angry I will decide that nursing is the way to go. But my anger and frustration are really getting in the way of my decision making. So. I have to actually withdraw. Haven't done it yet. But I haven't been going to class. Didn't show up for the make-up test the day after we got back. This is highly uncharacteristic of me. I'm a lot of things, but I am NOT a quitter. Turns out that hasn't always been a good thing. Sometimes you need to quit things, especially when they're not working for you. It's pretty dumb to stick with something just so that you can say you got through it. And that is what I would have been doing if I stayed in school for the rest of this semester. And you know what? On a deep level, I am relieved. I don't feel like I'm being pushed down a road I don't want to be on. But on a superficial level I am terrified that I made yet another impulsive decision and now I really have no idea what I am doing and I've wasted more time and money. But I can't just keep being miserable just so that I feel like things will EVENTUALLY be ok. I need to figure out how to make things ok RIGHT NOW. Just doing anything for the sake of having something to do doesn't mean everything will be "ok." It doesn't make any sense. Why not choose to be uncomfortable day to day, even if it means having no direction, rather than miserable but with direction? I think I have to face my demons and learn to just "be." As I'm typing this I am aware that maybe this sounds like bullshit, and maybe I need to suck it up and get through school so I can get a good, stable job so that I can pay off my old school debts (thanks, Columbia University, for the incredibly expensive, currently useless degree) and build a better life for me, my new husband, and our family. But now just doesn't seem to be the time to throw in the towel on other dreams and give in to just doing something so I'll have something to do. Which is also selfish, by the way. I was not raised like this. I was raised to take any job, as long as it was a decent job. I was raised to think that it was extravagant to take the time to figure things out. Not because of what I was told. I was actually told that I could do and be whatever, and that school was an extreme priority because it was the key to a better life(well it turns out that's not true- at least not yet, anyway- thanks, economy). I was taught this through what I SAW. Both my parents live in absolute fear, which I totally understand. But living in fear is no way to live. Most days I think I should just get out there and get any job I can- doesn't matter what it is. And maybe that day will come. Maybe I'll even find happiness there. But thank god for my friends and (now) husband, who push for more for me. Push me to not give in to that anxiety that says, "work anywhere. do anything." I feel privileged, which is very weird, because I grew up the LEAST privileged person I knew. We were undoubtedly one of the poorest families in our very nice, upper class town. So what makes me so great that I can sit around all day waiting for a great job? What gives me the right to have the time to sit and THINK?!?! About what I WANT?! Who has enough money to sit around and THINK?! It feels wrong on SO MANY LEVELS! And the truth is, we don't really- or I don't- have the money to behave in such a way. I have crazy school debts and a mother who works 2 jobs. But I've also applied to dozens of jobs regardless of pay. Haven't gotten any interviews. Don't really know why. I am very capable and very easy and VERY hard working. So the only thing I can conclude is that I guess I have to figure out a way to be ok with not having a clear purpose right now, and maybe when I am truly ok with that, an opportunity will come my way. That doesn't mean I'm going to sit around and wait for someone to call me... I'm still going to put myself out there, but if things aren't panning out, I'm not going to jump ship right away. I'm going to be ok. And maybe, after a little while of just "being" I'll decide that nursing IS the thing. And only when I really feel it, deep down, that it's the right thing for me, will I be able to get through community college and nursing school without the feelings of failure, regret, resentment, and anger. Or maybe I'll just have to a barista at Starbucks.

WHEW! Longest blog ever.

Venue Hunting and More Introductions

First let me warn all the women out there who are waiting with bated breath to get engaged. You don’t think it is going to change you or your life overnight, BUT IT DOES. Even if you are a cynic, like me. I didn’t think I was that impatient about the whole thing but as it turns out, I was. And when he proposed, I quickly turned to the other side. I bought magazines, signed up at TheKnot, talked incessantly about wedding stuff…for about a month. Then I didn’t revisit the topic for like 4 months then I became resentful of all the work I had ahead of me since I didn’t and don’t really want that big of a wedding (especially when the fiancée and I are the ones shelling out).

Let me also take a quick min to address something else that people don't really talk that much about. In my observations, women and men operate on totally different time tables. Whoaaa breaking news, I know- I’m really blowing the whistle on this one- alert the presses! Ok, seriously, though- it’s something maybe we all hear about but perhaps don’t internalize? One trouble with this is that either the man or the woman is seen at fault when they are not on the same page. This is totally wrong. I love my fiancée more than anyone in the world but by the time he proposed (even though he caught me COMPLETELY off guard) I was kinda ticked off and definitely hurting. Women take it very personally when a man doesn’t propose on her timeline. And men get slammed with criticism if they don’t operate on someone else’s timeline. I regret my pain (I especially regret my snarky comments and exasperated sighs when our peers got engaged before us). Unfortunately, I know many, many other women who were (or are) in the EXACT SAME SHOES I was in. It’s a tough, tough place to be and I wouldn’t wish it on anyone. But I also wouldn’t want to be in the guy’s shoes, either. Hope this isn’t TMI (too much information for those of you who may not be “Cosmo girls”) – I think it’s the kind of stuff no one talks about that many people go through. So yeah, maybe I am blowing the whistle a little bit. There should be a whole blog dedicated to the intricacies of the relationship between 2 engaged people. It’s a whole huge thing in and of itself.

So after soul searching and yes, some drama (AFTER the proposal- perhaps we’ll revisit that subject another day), my guy and I got on the same page and are now slowly but surely planning an amazingly fabulous party to celebrate the people we love, to celebrate each other, and most importantly, to celebrate our big decision.

We began our hunt for a venue online. It quickly became clear that we would need to visit places in person- that looking online just wouldn’t cut it. The first place we went to was an organic vineyard out East. It was…not great. Granted, we went in the middle of winter when farms and vineyards are like, the bleakest most desolate places on Earth, but it was still an interesting experience.

The inn on the vineyard that they would rent out to us was a big, fantastic farmhouse with the most amazing kitchen I have ever seen in my life. One uncomfortable thing about it was that each bedroom was within a foot of each other and it seemed like there would be no privacy. Weird for a wedding weekend. Weird for everyone involved, especially for “divorced” families who would presumably be the ones staying onsite at the inn. Hmm.

Also, EXPENSIVE. Several thousand (7 ½ ? 8?) just for the privilege of using the site and inn. No food or anything included – or bathrooms- they won’t let you use the ones in the inn during the reception. Oh, and there are only 4 rooms in the inn. And it was really far out East.

Mmmmm. We left feeling overwhelmed. We kept researching, but luckily not for long.

I spoke with some catering halls. Boy were they “shticky.” The man and I quickly rejected those. There are many beautiful and classy catering halls out there but not in our price range (or so we thought- boy have we made some expensive mistakes). We assumed it would be way cheaper and way more original to rent out a place like a vineyard or public garden, then have outside catering come in – we thought it was the perfect way to have quality control AND cost control. Ehh not so much- the catering is going to cost just as much as if we had it in a hall, but at least we are in love with the venue (and we weren’t in love with the other, more traditional venues) AND we can have our ceremony there, as well. AND a big house to rent out (but not stay in). AND there is historical significance. AND we are actually saving overall, as it turns out (we’re just not saving on food/drinks). AND now maybe it’s time to tell the story of how we chose the spot we chose.

It’s actually not that much of a story. I made some calls, heard about this place called “Westbury Gardens” and we were informed that they just started doing wedding receptions there. Awesome. We took a trip out to see it, met the nicest girl who took us on a very fun tour. She told us the price for use of the ceremony site, reception site (which is actually the backyard of a great big home that is on the outskirts of the gardens- there is a big fat mansion on the property that most people have heard of or been to, but this is a house that was a private residence until recently), and use of the house for the day and we were suuuuuper happy. I found out that one of my favorite Sex and the City episodes was taped there (the one where Carrie and the Gang go to Nathan Lane and Bitsy’s wedding out East- hello, dream wedding site) and I nearly swooned (I found this out AFTER we booked and paid deposits. How awesome is that?).

Anyway, we drove away after our initial viewing knowing full well that’s what we were going to choose, but both B (I decided I shall call him by his first initial here on out) and I are not impulsive and we thought it best to drive away. We made a deposit about 4 days later (if that).

Next up, caterers….oh, get ready.

Catch-up

Hi everyone, welcome, welcome.

I guess I'll start by telling you a little bit about myself. I just turned 27, I live on Long Island (not really by choice), I've been engaged for a while now to a truly fantastic person, and an unbelievable amount of people I know are planning their weddings now, too.

I never considered myself a feminist- quite the opposite, actually. I think it takes a lot of guts and unconditional love to take on the "traditional" female role of caring for everyone and everything that lives and breathes, or collects dust. I was raised to believe in traditional gender roles but only to a point. My mom played the role of mother AND father quite well but I grew up knowing that she really just wanted to be the mother/wife role and was forced into the other role. She is also impossibly stubborn and VERY independent, despite her deep desire to be a wifey/mom. Classic Irish. Strong- willed. Makes for mixed signals, though.

My sister has always been a bit more extreme when it came to the feminism issues. SUPER strong willed and would be no ones "wife" or "just a mother." Thankfully, she's mellowed. I was always laid back and thought I would be a kick-ass mother and wife, but as I get older, I see how much we live in a society that holds men and women to certain standards. And I gotta tell ya, it bugs me more and more.

So. This blog is meant to be about the wedding planning/ marriage planning process. Also with a tinge of observation about how it all falls on the lady. And how that makes me mad. Luckily, as I mentioned, I have a fab guy who totally is planning with me AND agrees that "wedding planning" is, how you say? bull and what really needs to happen in the coming months is "marriage planning." So that is what we are doing. We are "marriage planning" because from what I understand, a wedding goes well beyond The Day.

I'm actually pretty well into the wedding planning process at this point. Our wedding is October 3rd, 2010. So you can imagine that some things are already taken care of. But definitely not everything. I'm actually not the best wedding planner when it comes to my own wedding. And I can't believe how much I've learned along the way about myself, my fiancee (there should be an accent there, right?), and about the society in which we live. Please don't groan. I'm not trying to be preachy- I just have a lot of observations about this whole sha-bang. And I have a hunch that the way the world works isn't going to magically change AFTER I'm married. I imagine it might get a little worse..... house-wifery and high expectations here I come, whether I want it or not.

That being said, again- welcome to my blog. I promise it won't be too cynical. A light whisper of cynicism never hurt anyone.